It's been such an interesting time in my life. June 17th my sweet grandma passed away and my life will never be the same. Yes, I am going through the biggest heartbreak of my life but so much positive has come from this. No matter what you believe in you cannot change the fact that one day we will all die. It's intense but if you understand that fact you can find peace, at least I have. My grandma passing has been my biggest fear since I was a little girl. Many sleepless nights fearing that I would get a call in the middle of the night telling me she was gone. I used to refer to it as my "grandma anxiety". That time has come and I praise God for all that He has taught me. Through my grandma's life, sickness and death The Lord used her to strengthen my soul which has brought me to who I am today. The woman behind this screen typing these words, a woman I never thought I could be. What a beautiful gift my grandma was and continues to be. My mom asked Danielle and I to go casket shopping with her and stay until the funeral so we did. It was so much fun having a slumber party with my sister in her old room. Again, praise God for His blessings when we need it the most! Check out the video above to hear what I am talking about ;)
I had to go back to Hollywood for a day for an audition so Peter volunteered to pick me up before he went to work. I decided to wait outside so that I could hang out with Ethel and just be one with nature. I always thought that my grandma's death would tear me apart and I would sink into a deep depression. I know The Lord has been preparing me for this over a year and I can't help but praise His name over and over for it. I looked at life differently during my grandma's sickness but now that she has passed everything has become so clear. Am I sad? OF COURSE!!!! Do I have peace? Yes, finally.
I don't know what's going on with my hair LOL Needless to say it's such a trip revisiting this footage. My old roommate Lorena gave me a ride from LA to Chino but first we had to make a quick stop at her condo. The Mertzes and I used to live here during my TNA run and I haven't been back there since and here I am, the day of my grandma's wake, at that condo again- with the Mertzes! Little did I know in this video that about an hour later I would be at my grandma's coffin to drop off the flowers before the service. We were the first ones to see her. I disagree with open casket services but my family was insistent on it. My feeling is that is not the person anymore. As soon as they took their last breath their soul left this world to be in another. People NEVER look the same in an open casket because their soul is no longer in their vessel. I rather remember people when they had life in them, not a lifeless body. When Lorena and I first got to the funeral home we saw through a window grandma and we both were nervous because we knew we had to go in there and the casket was open. We had to pull the car up to get the flowers and while we did that the funeral home director closed the casket which Lorena and I were VERY grateful for. It was still difficult to go through but as per usual the Mertzes were of great comfort. Lorena held Ethel, I held Fred and they made us feel at ease.
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